for Shefali

Hey, Shefali.

I made this because there are some things
I should have said properly.

A memory

take your time ↓

there's really no other way to start this

I'm sorry.

I know those two words aren't enough.

And I know that saying them doesn't erase
what I said to you.

But I need to say them anyway.

I'm sorry for hurting you.

I said things to hurt you.

Us

I said things to you that I wish I could take back.

Some of them weren't just careless words.

I knew they would hurt you.

And I said them anyway.

That is something I have to own.

I can't hide behind anger.

I can't hide behind frustration.

I can't hide behind everything that was happening in my life.

I said them.
And you were the one who had to hear them.

That wasn't fair to you.

I didn't mean those things.

But I know that doesn't make saying them okay.

I was going through a lot.

I was overwhelmed.

I was angry.

I was hurting.

I wasn't handling any of it properly.

And instead of dealing with what was happening inside me,
I let it come out as words meant to hurt you.

That explains where my head was.

It doesn't excuse what I did.

You didn't deserve that.

You didn't deserve to be spoken to that way.

You didn't deserve to have words thrown at you
just because I was struggling.

You didn't deserve to carry the weight
of something that was happening inside me.

I should have told you I was struggling.

I should have taken a step back.

I should have calmed down.

I should have talked to you instead of trying to hurt you.

You deserved better from me in that moment.

before the apology becomes only about what went wrong...

I want to remember what was good.

A memory

[Something only the two of you would understand]

[ADD MEMORY PHOTO]

[A moment you still smile about]

[ADD MEMORY PHOTO]

[A place you went together]

I don't want one bad moment
to erase everything good.

There are so many moments with you
that mean more to me than I know how to explain.

The stupid conversations.

The laughter.

The quiet moments.

The little things that probably didn't seem important at the time.

I remember them.

And I value them.

for you

Shefali,

I don't know if there is a perfect way to apologize.

Maybe there isn't.

I just know that I don't want to pretend those words didn't happen.

I said things because I was hurting.

I was going through a lot.

But I should have dealt with that pain differently.

You shouldn't have had to become the person who received all of it.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for the words themselves.

I'm sorry for knowing they would hurt and saying them anyway.

I'm sorry for making a difficult moment even more painful.

And I'm sorry that the person who should have made you feel safe and cared for was instead the reason you were hurting.

I can't take those words back.

I can't change that moment.

But I can learn from it.

And I can make sure that when I'm overwhelmed or angry, I don't make someone I care about pay the price for what I'm feeling.

You don't owe me forgiveness.

You don't owe me an immediate answer.

You don't have to make me feel better about what happened.

I just wanted to finally say this properly.

I'm genuinely sorry.

— Chirag

What I should have done instead.

I should have said: 'I'm overwhelmed.'

I should have said: 'I need a little time.'

I should have said: 'I'm hurting right now.'

I should have listened.

I should have stopped.

I should have chosen you over my anger.

I should have communicated my pain
instead of transferring it to you.

I don't want to make promises I can't prove.

I could write a hundred promises here.

I could say I'll never make a mistake again.

But that wouldn't be honest.

I'm human.

What I can promise is that I will take this seriously.

I will try to communicate instead of lashing out.

I will try to recognize when I'm overwhelmed before I turn that pain into words.

And when I get something wrong, I want to have the courage to admit it.

Not perfect.
Just better.

You don't owe me anything.

You don't owe me forgiveness.

You don't owe me an answer.

You don't have to pretend you're okay.

You don't have to forget what happened.

And you don't have to decide anything right now.

Take whatever time you need.

I just wanted you to know that I'm sorry.

No matter what happens next...

I will always be there for you.

No matter what.

That doesn't change.

A memory

Whatever happens next...

I'm grateful for the good memories.

And I'm sorry for the ones
I wish I could take back.

Shefali,

I'm sorry.

I really am.

— Chirag